Few Texas Jokes

[Chad]

ran accross these... thought i few were funny, thought id share

Things to Know When Driving in Texas

* If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

* When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting in the way of any cross-traffic.

* Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Texas has its own version of traffic rules ... hold on and pray.

* There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Texas. We all drive like that.

* All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610" ... which has no beginning and no end.

* The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "Scenic Drive."

* The morning rush hour is from 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

* If someone actually has their turn signal on, it's probably a factory defect.

* All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have total right-of-way.

* The minimum acceptable speed on any "Loop" is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

* Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

* If you are in the left lane and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.

* When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Mexico.

* You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Texas residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
You know you're from Texas if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C", or vice-versa in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I'm fixing to go to the store. (Note: as in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word...)

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. The lights are for seeing what or who is in your yard!

8. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

10. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

11. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and briefs.

12. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

13. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

14. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."

15. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

16. You know whether another Texan is from east, west, north or south Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

17. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' Wal-Martin'" or "off to Wally-World."

18. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

19. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

[kabob]

Yeah, those joke are accurate... if this was Texas, ca 1972.

[Chad]

i find alot of them accurate. Maybe its because i grew up in a more isolated area...

[cuyo713]

actually everyone of those jokes are accurate lol

Especially "2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C", or vice-versa in the same day."

[Chad]

I still chuckled even if they're old.

[g-spot]

- According to Harris County traffic laws, green underbody neon during moving traffic are deemed legal while all other colors are not.

[G-force]

Ask me what kind of coke I want and I will tell you Big Red!!!

[Britt]

Most of the traffic ones (that don't involve guns) are pretty generic... They apply to most places

[JermTheElf]

I should make one for up here

[nobody]

Those are some good ones

[kabob]

Originally Posted by g-spot

- According to Harris County traffic laws, green underbody neon during moving traffic are deemed legal while all other colors are not.

That's because certain colors are either a specific signaling device (white, amber, etc.) according to the DPS or allotted for emergency vehicles (such as blue and red). Such a funny joke... haha?

[kabob]

Originally Posted by Britt

Most of the traffic ones (that don't involve guns) are pretty generic... They apply to most places

Well, these days, none of the traffic ones are true (a Loop? Really? There aren't any major designated loops anywhere, they just have regular highway names) although I'd say all but #19 on the bottom list are true. I usually hear people calling it soda these days 'cause not many people drink Coke, anymore.

[G-force]

kabob so serious as usual, they are just jokes to be laughed at not analyzed.

[kabob]

Originally Posted by G-force

kabob so serious as usual, they are just jokes to be laughed at not analyzed.

Really? You found the material I commented on funny and my response an analysis? Let me put on my serious analytical hat for a moment, then. Parody isn't funny if it doesn't reflect an actual aspect of the subject matter. Would you make jokes of southern rednecks by putting them in blackface and having them sing a capella? No, because there's no correlation there. As for the post the about neon lights that resurrected this dead thread, that was not neither a joke nor did it work in an observational humor sense.

[G-force]

Wow I forgot to mention condescending...I was neither disrespectful nor rude I was just...you know forget it your not worth it.

[kabob]

I'm not sure what you were expecting when you typed up your inane response, then You thought I was being serious and analytical and showed you the difference between what that is compared to what I consider as standard commentary with my original post. You think I'm condescending; you're no better, Matt Lauer. But I will edit out my direct personal comment.

[g-spot]

Well I thought it was humor for me (and didn't read the original post date). Didn't think it was serious topic. But if you like Kabob, if I'm ever in Dallas we could chill for some laughter and beer.

[kabob]

Sure, Internets is too serious bidness, anyway. I'll buy the first round

[g-spot]

Cool, I need to move back to Dallas. Houston is not cutting it for me....